Least accurate website photo. Best AI-washer. Let’s celebrate our winners
It’s that time of year again, when we celebrate our successes and gloss over our failures. For our 2024 employee awards we have all our classic categories, from team member of the year and newcomer of the year to the big one: employee of the year. As usual, the winner of that award will enjoy a weekend away in a location of our choosing.
But first, we have taken on board last year’s criticisms that these awards have an overly traditional view of achievement. We are fully committed to inclusivity and have introduced several new categories this year to reflect the extraordinary range of contributions that all of you make. Please join me in congratulating our debut winners.
Most likely to make an irrelevant point. There was enormous competition in this category; several people who took part in the judging process ended up coming close to winning. But we’d like this to go to Violet. None of us could recall a discussion when she had not made a point; none of us could remember a time when that point was salient.
Least punctual colleague. We used actual data to track arrivals in virtual meetings. We can see that Akshat arrives 12 minutes late on average, which is enough to earn him a commendation. But the winner is someone called Mandy, who did not turn up to a single meeting to which she was invited. We are currently trying to work out who this person is and why no one has ever heard of her.
Least accurate website photo. Again, a very hotly contested category. A few colleagues appear to be using their passport photos: they are doing themselves a disservice. But most people look younger, friendlier and more attractive than they actually are. The prize in this category goes to Paul, who resembles a promising young novelist on the site and looks like a repeat offender in real life.
Most likely to nominate themselves for an award. This (self-nominated) category honours those who know the value of self-promotion and struggle with irony. We think this category may well be a reliable guide to spotting our leaders of tomorrow. So well done, Willem.
Source of greatest uncertainty over what they actually do. All of our senior leadership team received lots of nominations. So did the marketing and HR departments. But the clear winner is the strategy office. No other team received more nominations from its own members than this one, which is surely an achievement worth marking.
Most disliked item of clothing worn by a co-worker. We can’t get any of you to answer the employee survey except through veiled threats. But give people permission to weigh in on how their colleagues dress and suddenly everyone has a view. Overly tight T-shirts, sweaters with holes in them, weirdly jaunty scarves, those terrible trousers: they all featured. But in the end no one wanted to look beyond, or at, Bogdan’s shorts.
Longest co-working relationship without conversation. Sylvie and Edgar have been colleagues for 19 years and have recently only moved to nodding terms. They are both gearing up to say “hello” to each other some time in 2032, and we’ll keep a very close eye on their progress. Well done, both of you.
Greatest cyber-security threat. It’s not the Russians but Danny in the client-services team. He clicked on every single phishing email we sent last year in order to test your awareness of the risk of hacking. Out of curiosity we ended up sending him customised test messages, including one headlined “DANGER: This contains a virus” and another titled “For God’s sake, Danny, do not open this” – and he opened all of them. He has taken all our cyber-security courses and we don’t know what to do next.
Best piece of AI-washing. We’re genuinely impressed by your efforts to shoehorn mentions of artificial intelligence into everything you do. Product descriptions, marketing copy and strategic plans all overflow with exaggerated references and promises. But we’d like to give this award to DAIsy for starting to sign her name like that.
Darwin Núñez bin-thrower of the year. This award goes to the person who misses the bin most often when they toss stuff at it. We’ve reviewed the footage and Mariano takes the prize. No matter what he is throwing or how close he is, his aim is off. He wins a bigger bin.
Least likely to succeed. We were simply unable to make a decision on this award. But the fact that so many of you were in with a shout says something. Everyone here can have an impact, even if it is negative. Congratulations, all!
